Dear WWF

Dear WWF,

Please excuse me for writing so near Christmas but I fear I may be the bearer of some rather sad tidings for animal lovers the world over. The thing is, that during the just short of five weeks that I have been in Australia, I haven’t actually seen much in the way of wildlife at all. And by wildlife I mean that of the hairy, sharp toothed, possibly vicious variety and not that of the girlie girls lying drunk in gutters of a Saturday night after the clubs and bars have spilled out.

You see, before leaving the UK, I took the liberty of checking up on the wilder side of things in Ozzie land and came across many colourful reports of killer things that would think nothing of feasting on me for dinner, poisoning me if I were to feast on them, stabbing me with venomous pointy things and generally making me violently ill before despatching me to possible pastures greener.

The problem is, is that for as long as I have been here, I have only seen one lizard in the whole of Brisbane, along with three green frogs, 40 odd tiny geckos, and a host of assorted birds. And this is where I have struggled with all of this emptyness and feel I must now warn you of my findings. 

I mean Crikey!!! 

Were they all culled after the death of Steve Irwin? Or maybe pensioned off with Mick Dundee? or something? ... Anything?

Because it somehow appears that the usually identified with Australia killer beings are all to be deemed somewhat all but extinct to the casual onlooker. I mean not a single shark, croc, jelly fish, spider or snake have been witnessed. And even the lesser malicious animals like kangaroos, wallabies, wombats, koalas and emus appear to have shuffled off their mortal coils too. There's not a single anything to be seen. At all even. Nish, glish and not even a frosty flake. Ever. WTF where are they all?

Green frog. Generally found where the
environment is 'healthy'

And it’s not like I haven’t tried looking for them either. Because between the both of us, Jodie and I, we have already travelled over 5000 Kilometres aimlessly to-ing and from-ing across the Great divide of the Australian east coast while shopping, working and playing. 


And even while heading straight for any roadside Cane toads so we can “hear them explode under the wheels” (thanks for that Jodie… He says not quite sure how to proceed with this information), we have still been on the lookout for the elusive beasts.

So, I’m beginning to think (for what it is worth) that the whole of the Australian wildlife circuit has probably recently been wiped out by a specialist group of ninja spirited cane toads then. Cane toads having no natural predators other than Jodie’s wheels, lawnmowers, golfers clubbing them to death and the odd dog that never really knew any better (they are poisonous by the way), being the perfect candidates. 

And it's particularly those toads that Jodie had missed with her car wheels (Sometimes I really worry about her) that are probably doing the biggest amount of damage to other breeds, leaving the only way left open to experience the indigenous antipodean animals these days, being to visit zoos or wildlife parks where it is now believed that remote controlled robotic versions abound (installed to reduce the risk of riots or  panic throughout the general public).

Cane toad

The cane toad was first drafted in from central America to help control the rise in cane beetles on the sugar canes grown in Northern Queensland. Unfortunately, the beetles lived at the top of the canes and the toads resided at the bottom. And never the twain did meet. And Along with no natural predators, like a lot of things in Australia, the toads just ran amok. And now they stand to take over the world by chewing up all the animals from this huge continent.


Well that is the problem as I see it at present and I’m not sure you will have any instant solutions to this problem being as it is so near Christmas now (apparently), but it would be nice if you could help me complete my study of this magnificent land by maybe shipping over a few of your registered captive bred creatures (from overseas maybe) to assist in aiding my journalistic shortcomings and making available some photographic opportunities for me (pictures often being better than words, that sort of thing).

Yours Sincerely

A bit short of meat too. 


PS... We will be out hunting skippies at seven in the morning peeps. Naturally, should we be lucky enough to actually sight any, we will of course let you know. Watch this space...

 NEWS FLASH.....

What was that skip? There's how many of you guys? All sitting in a field? And there's nobody stuck down the mine? Streuth!!

Taken at 6:30 AM 18/12/2011 Bundaberg

As earlier intimated, we went out early and caught a full herd of the spring loaded kangas, 13 in all. But as the photo kind of suggests though, it might have been them that were actually spotting us (maybe meercats in disguise). But anyway.... they weren't robotic in the least bit, nor clockwork and neither were they mechanically operated in any way shape or form so....

MYTHBUSTERS SAY: MYTH BUSTED!! YAY