What's happening?

Ok it’s been a while and I know I have been rather slack in updating this since my return to bleakest, deepest, darkest, ice laden Rossendale but it takes time to get back into the gist of things when you’ve been away for as long as I have and you now have problems dealing with the cold.

For instance, there’s been a lot of news that needs to be properly addressed in order to more smoothly integrate back into polite society while knowing what’s been happening within one’s surroundings. And while I have been away, there have been a few items of particular note that have occurred in my absence, things I will now attempt to fully relate to you my lovely (if not a little needy) readers...

First off, a Rossendale GP (that means doctor) claims to have stumbled upon a simple ‘wonder cure’ for most common ailments...

Doctor Hansneed Warming takes up the story for us:

“I’d been out shopping with my good lady wife, and got home feeling absolutely terrible. My head was throbbing, my back was aching, chills were racing throughout my body and my corns were giving me severe troubles. But not long after a nice hot cuppa and a relaxing sit down, my symptoms had completely disappeared. And that got me to thinking...”

Most patients since then have responded extremely well to his treatments of ‘a nice cuppa and a sit down’. And unlike the many expensive drug therapies available out there today, none of them exhibited any evidence of any adverse side effects or allergies whatsoever. Apart of course from the appendix patient that is. But he simply got whisked off to hospital before the good doctor could get the kettle on. So the preliminary results so far, are seen to be most encouraging.

And then there was the news that the government has made plans to put 50 odd trillion Nectar Points into the ailing British economy to help boost an early recovery...

In an announcement earlier this week, which will delight shoppers and the city alike, the fourteen figure number of Nectar Points and Tesco Club Card vouchers will be released into the economy to help boost consumer spending. Eight billion Air Miles will also be created, enough to send a family of four on a retreat to Saturn and back (terms and conditions apply). Boots the Chemist Advantage Card holders will also be getting a free nail care kit each, and in a surprise move, Green Shield Stamps (which met their demise in 1983) will become re-valid until the end of the year.

The Nectar Points deal alone will be worth the value of a 200 gram box of unbranded cornflakes to every man, woman and child in the South while Northerners will each receive a tin of mushy peas. And Air Mile collectors with more than 10,000 miles will, as a result also be entitled to a free packet of cheesy biscuits on selected flights (subject to status). Meanwhile Tesco will be rewarding Nescafe coffee (300 gram jars only) purchasers/drinkers with free Hob Nob biscuits in order to help streamline the terrible wastage in people leaving behind awful designer coffee shop coffees because they taste like shit with a crust on (for Jodie the convert that one).

And in a further attempt to ease the cost of these new ‘quantitative easing’ initiatives, the government has also made plans to email .pdf files of three twenty pound notes to every household in Doncaster. The catch... They have to print their own money, thereby lessening the financial burden on the royal mint.

The government now urges the public that with the latest glut of loyalty scheme points and vouchers now shown to be in circulation, there’s never really been a better time to go out and buy a full colour printer, papers of different variety and perhaps stockpile a few extortionately priced ink cartridges.

Next there are fears that a Rawtenstall woman has sparked off a new pandemic...

Thirty six year old Mrs Beau Nidle, was suspected of contracting a new strain of the common cold. Complaining of a sore throat and feeling ‘a bit bunged up’, instead of just struggling on regardless, she announced she was going to take the day off work and endlessly complain about how ill she was to her partner. It was at this point that government scientists confirmed she was obviously suffering from that old anathema, Man Flu.

“I’ve struggled through colds before and in many ways it feels almost the same” said Mrs Nidle, “but since I learned it was Man Flu, I’ve struggled to do anything more strenuous than watching Match of the Day and re-runs of Top Gear while crashed out on the couch”.

Scientists now claim that a rare mutation has caused the Man Flu virus to spread to women and although the police have cordoned off the area of this outbreak, experts say there is a real fear for it to reach Pandemic proportions and the subsequent infecting of millions of women across the country will follow.

When asked to comment, her husband said, “Her symptoms are quite similar to what I had a few weeks ago, although when I had it, it was obviously much much worse. Maybe she just needed ‘a nice cuppa and a sit down’”.

In other news, Lancashire police confirmed that a man was stopped for a random breathalyser test...

“The test was proved negative,” explained officer Dibble from the Ribble, “However just as I was sending the chap on his way I spotted a Fine Young Cannibals CD hanging out of his glove box. Naturally, being a fellow fan, I asked him if I could ‘friend him on facebook’. It was then that he confessed he didn’t have an account preferring instead to use Google+”.

A case was swiftly put together and the man taken to court for breaking new social media laws introduced in early December 2011. But the case was soon dismissed when the judge presiding was heard to ask, “Forgive me, but... What the fuck is facebook?”

Internationally it has been announced that NASA has engaged in finding a clone planet to that of the earth...

That’s right, NASA has been charged by the American government with the task of finding a clone of the earth or any other earth-like planets. This is being done urgently now, purely on the off chance they can ask said planet for a capitol injecting sub if they ever find one. The cash strapped nation needing any form of lifeline these days, has finally shown itself to be desperately clutching at straws. And at the same time, President Barack O’bama was recently seen at a cemetery laying flowers on a grave. As he was standing there he noticed four coffin bearers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking about with it. Oh my God he thought, these guys are like me, they’ve completely lost the plot.

And finally the government has today issued emergency flat caps to every man in England...

More than 40 million flat caps will be brought out of government storage for delivery to almost every man in Britain by the end of 2012, the Prime Minister David Cameron revealed today.

The emergency headgear will form a large part of the government’s multi-billion pound investment programme aimed at getting Britain’s economy moving again and raising the gloom of recession. It is the first time the standard issue peaked cloth cap has been deployed in the UK in more than 60 years.

“We have not taken this decision lightly,” said Mr Cameron outside number 10, “but desperate times call for desperate measures. The flat cap imbues a man with a sense of responsibility and drive. It makes him strive for better things. All this, while keeping his head warm in winter too.”

The government issue emergency flat cap was first deployed during the great depression of the 1930’s and well proved its worth both then and later on at the end of World War II. It was only the subsequent resurgence of the economy during the sixties that saw a recall of all flat caps for storage until another major crisis of the economy would occur.

The first batch of 25 million or so flat caps will be dropped by helicopter over northern cities like Manchester, Leeds, Liverpool up to and including Glasgow whereas in parts of London and the south east, traditional emergency protocol will dictate the wearing of more formal top hats along with silver topped canes...

I’m not sure how the lead of this blog, ‘the hat’ is going to take that one.

But the big news of course...

Is that I am finally back in writing mode again and the blog will continue henceforth. There is still much to be said with many more pics to add so I suppose I had really just knuckle down and get on with it. Especially as Jodie (Madame Dragonfly to you guys), has forever been reminding, no, telling me, forever on my case (delete as appropriate) that you guys are desperately in need of some form of closure.