Oooo Nice!!

Well we did lots of stuff in Bundaberg this weekend, stuff I will at some stage be reporting on. But before I go into the usual highly detailed, informative, entertaining, and educational gear, I thought this deserved a post all of it's own.

Hope you can agree. It is very.... er.... ORGASMIC LOOKING. To say the least!

I think I need to go lie down for a while now. All this excitement wears the old heart out you know.

Dear WWF

Dear WWF,

Please excuse me for writing so near Christmas but I fear I may be the bearer of some rather sad tidings for animal lovers the world over. The thing is, that during the just short of five weeks that I have been in Australia, I haven’t actually seen much in the way of wildlife at all. And by wildlife I mean that of the hairy, sharp toothed, possibly vicious variety and not that of the girlie girls lying drunk in gutters of a Saturday night after the clubs and bars have spilled out.

You see, before leaving the UK, I took the liberty of checking up on the wilder side of things in Ozzie land and came across many colourful reports of killer things that would think nothing of feasting on me for dinner, poisoning me if I were to feast on them, stabbing me with venomous pointy things and generally making me violently ill before despatching me to possible pastures greener.

The problem is, is that for as long as I have been here, I have only seen one lizard in the whole of Brisbane, along with three green frogs, 40 odd tiny geckos, and a host of assorted birds. And this is where I have struggled with all of this emptyness and feel I must now warn you of my findings. 

I mean Crikey!!! 

Were they all culled after the death of Steve Irwin? Or maybe pensioned off with Mick Dundee? or something? ... Anything?

Because it somehow appears that the usually identified with Australia killer beings are all to be deemed somewhat all but extinct to the casual onlooker. I mean not a single shark, croc, jelly fish, spider or snake have been witnessed. And even the lesser malicious animals like kangaroos, wallabies, wombats, koalas and emus appear to have shuffled off their mortal coils too. There's not a single anything to be seen. At all even. Nish, glish and not even a frosty flake. Ever. WTF where are they all?

Green frog. Generally found where the
environment is 'healthy'

And it’s not like I haven’t tried looking for them either. Because between the both of us, Jodie and I, we have already travelled over 5000 Kilometres aimlessly to-ing and from-ing across the Great divide of the Australian east coast while shopping, working and playing. 


And even while heading straight for any roadside Cane toads so we can “hear them explode under the wheels” (thanks for that Jodie… He says not quite sure how to proceed with this information), we have still been on the lookout for the elusive beasts.

So, I’m beginning to think (for what it is worth) that the whole of the Australian wildlife circuit has probably recently been wiped out by a specialist group of ninja spirited cane toads then. Cane toads having no natural predators other than Jodie’s wheels, lawnmowers, golfers clubbing them to death and the odd dog that never really knew any better (they are poisonous by the way), being the perfect candidates. 

And it's particularly those toads that Jodie had missed with her car wheels (Sometimes I really worry about her) that are probably doing the biggest amount of damage to other breeds, leaving the only way left open to experience the indigenous antipodean animals these days, being to visit zoos or wildlife parks where it is now believed that remote controlled robotic versions abound (installed to reduce the risk of riots or  panic throughout the general public).

Cane toad

The cane toad was first drafted in from central America to help control the rise in cane beetles on the sugar canes grown in Northern Queensland. Unfortunately, the beetles lived at the top of the canes and the toads resided at the bottom. And never the twain did meet. And Along with no natural predators, like a lot of things in Australia, the toads just ran amok. And now they stand to take over the world by chewing up all the animals from this huge continent.


Well that is the problem as I see it at present and I’m not sure you will have any instant solutions to this problem being as it is so near Christmas now (apparently), but it would be nice if you could help me complete my study of this magnificent land by maybe shipping over a few of your registered captive bred creatures (from overseas maybe) to assist in aiding my journalistic shortcomings and making available some photographic opportunities for me (pictures often being better than words, that sort of thing).

Yours Sincerely

A bit short of meat too. 


PS... We will be out hunting skippies at seven in the morning peeps. Naturally, should we be lucky enough to actually sight any, we will of course let you know. Watch this space...

 NEWS FLASH.....

What was that skip? There's how many of you guys? All sitting in a field? And there's nobody stuck down the mine? Streuth!!

Taken at 6:30 AM 18/12/2011 Bundaberg

As earlier intimated, we went out early and caught a full herd of the spring loaded kangas, 13 in all. But as the photo kind of suggests though, it might have been them that were actually spotting us (maybe meercats in disguise). But anyway.... they weren't robotic in the least bit, nor clockwork and neither were they mechanically operated in any way shape or form so....

MYTHBUSTERS SAY: MYTH BUSTED!! YAY

BREAKING NEWS...

Today, December 16th 2011 at 12:00 this afternoon (Australia time)....

'Yes' Optus finally buckled to what can only be construed to be a dose of common sense today and said 'yes' again to me entering their building. And it appears that the security threat that I once somehow posed them was somehow skilfully lifted from my shoulders (WTF?)

Sadly, the hat (see safe sex) was not so lucky and had to stay in the car. Just exactly who is it that makes these stupid decisions? 

I go back tonight to steal all the chairs MUWAHAHAHAHAHA (YEAH!!)

Click here for the full story

And So This Is Christmas

It gets light by half eight in the morning and dark again by three in the afternoon. It is usually raining if not snowing, there are winds burning their way across your cheekbones and when you walk into a room from the cold sub zero temperatures you immediately feel tired in front of the blazing fire that is fully stoked to keep you warm.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough on its own, having supermarket hyped Christmas displays all around you from early September onwards and radio stations from the beginning of December methodically pumping out party anthems and Christmas hits 24 hours a day, helps further build the ambience.

Television adverts also abound on a daily basis, outwardly suggesting to us a need for all those must have items we’ve managed to live without for the rest of the year while the station programmers try to reel us in with the shallow promise of another single six month old (at best) blockbuster movie to keep us all going merrily throughout the holiday period.

And normally, for the average Brit, that should be enough to convince you that Christmas is on its way…

Christmas in Sydney

But this year it all feels incredibly odd. For starters, the sun is rising at five in the morning. And it is rising while being roasting hot too. The only thing resembling snow right now would be the burnt peeling skin falling from my shoulders (are you listening Cath?) and cold is simply not an option. Hell it even stays light in the evenings.

I got off the plane at Brisbane airport on the 15^th of November. I have been here a month already and yes, I have seen Christmas trees (pics to prove it too) in the shopping arcades, in Brisbane, Newcastle and Sydney but they didn’t really register. It seems the supermarkets here have somehow managed to keep it very low key too and but for the fact I recently had another birthday (selfish of me I know), which heralds the fact that Christmas is only 2 more weeks away, I would never guess it was Christmas at all.

I even attended the Logan mayor’s Christmas Carols service at the Logan sports centre with Jodie and her emergency services cadets, but still it registered a big fat zero on the Yo Ho Ho scale. It just doesn’t seem right, Hell it isn’t right. Yes decorations have been going up and yes some people have gone way over the top with them (a global phenomenon it seems – oh dear) but even so, it still just isn’t as in your face as we get it in Britain.

I mean, there’s no Christmas menu at MacDonalds for one thing, no masses of Bernard Matthews 'Bootiful' turkeys setting sail from the shores to escape their programmed Yule tide doom, and probably not a single roast tater to be seen anywhere either during all the strangely unseasonal of seasonal festivities. Cooked meats and salads, barbecued shrimp and only a modicum of alcohol appear to make up the celebratory menu that hails in the birth of the antipodean lord. It’s all so wrong, wrong, and wrong.

Bing Crosby and the boys would be lost here too, wandering aimlessly about the place in search of a white Christmas other than that projected by a heat haze over the horizons.

It's all balls anyway

Now don’t get me wrong here, Australia does have bad weather from time to time and now is the time of year they would be having it too. Believe it or not, we are looking at possibilities for tsunamis, severe rain storms, flooding (yes flooding), cyclones and at the same time as if the rest wasn’t bad enough, forest fires too.

And even though there is not much place for snow in this mix apart from way up in the highlands, you will probably be amazed to learn that the hail here comes in the size of golf balls.


Yes, it’s far from the dry and arid Australia we grew up with back home as promised by that damned Jenny Agutter, and her ‘walkabouts’. They simply weren't the true picture. If it wasn’t for her, we might have also known that Crocodile Dundee was not indicative of the real way of life for big city Australia either.

So I guess it sort of messes with your head somewhat living this topsy turvy way of life and it could take some getting used to. It just doesn’t seem right to be sweating during the Christmas period but life as you know is an adventure as they say and I remain fully committed to not having it any other way. “Bring it Santa”, I demand and who knows? I might even get some gifts this strange year too. I just hope you can still shop at a twenty to midnight, Christmas Eve at the local petrol stations here like you can back home.


And how does a sleigh work with no snow? I have to ask myself.

Updating the Updates

Today is the 15th of December already. And having arrived here on the 15th of November, I can proudly say I  have now been here for a whole month and survived it all. Doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself eh? 

And in that time, In between the trips across country, we've had work, play, exploring locally, meals out, nights by the telly, shopping trips and more people to meet up with. We even got to explore a place called Bunnings, the Australian version of a DIY shed very much similar to B&Q or Screwfix back home.

Unfortunately for those of you actually following the blog chronologically, apart from the birthday entry for the eleventh, you are still only at the 3rd of December (yes I am that far behind) and we have just arrived back from our death defying (ok sunburny) trek over to Sydney.

Well since then, not a lot of long distance exploring has been done. Instead, Jodie has been back at work again, I have been desperately trying to bring this up to date here and together we have been attending more cadet and rural fire meetings for the volunteer emergency services of Queensland (I will at some stage more fully explain what all this is about for you but I am still trying to get some additional info together for it).

At home for the duration... back at Dragonfly Mansions

The thing is, that all the services are winding up for the Christmas period (is it really Christmas? - another post coming soon) and so there were quite a few prize givings, general meetings, mayoral Christmas carol services to police and interviewing sessions for new adult leaders in preparation for the new year. All that on top of having the next years syllabus laid out meant another five evening's and one morning's worth of 'functions' to attend during this period of shortfall.

It hasn't all been cadets though, we have been out and about locally looking at real life things (today's earlier transport blog was an example of that). We have checked out the housing (of particular interest to us both), the shops, the weather and a few other things where comparisons can be made between 'Home and Away'.

And if any of this comes over as me just being another one of those whingeing pommes, then I will apologise now as that was never the intention and whatever comparisons are to be made here will be done so in a completely unbiased way. I am genuinely interested in this place and in doing this I realise I will be expressing my opinions more than those of any others but hey, if you feel I have missed the point someplace, that's what the comments box is for.

I look forward to opening up some interesting future discussions. And in the meantime, there will be plenty more content coming your way. I mean only this very Friday, we will be risking life and limb again for you in travelling up to Bundaburg and the rum distillery there. How exceedingly 'knicker wetting' for you all, I bet you can't wait.

Transporting Home

After leaving Newcastle at around nine at night, all we had to do was drive back to Brissy. Rather than choosing to break up the journey, with another overnight stay in a dodgy hotel, we chose to drive back overnight and share the driving between us. An admirable idea at the time, but it all fell down where the co pilot was supposed to sleep while the other drove. Needless to say, when we did eventually arrive back at Brisbane at just 9 minutes past six in the morning, we had match sticks holding our eyes open and were well and truly worn out but glad to be alive.

It didn't take much longer before the comfort of a bed had us entrapped for the best part of the day ahead.

And with that in mind, this wouldn't be much of a blog entry so I have decided to take a look at Australian transport systems (hopefully excluding bus routes which I have managed to live without back in the UK since leaving school, and although they do exist, it just goes to show how in-effective they are against the modern man's love for cars). Yes there are planes and trains to do this too, but even more so there are automobiles. 

And as you have previously read (you did didn’t you?) in the about travelling post, planes can quite often be a law unto themselves so we won’t be going there in this piece. I did however take a look at the local trains and unlike the British versions they seem to be a really laid back affair with plenty of space, and very clean to boot. Unfortunately, being aware of the current sensitivities of this terrorist laden world we live in, when I asked a station worker for permission to photograph a couple I was denied doing so while being given the weakest excuse ever that it would be dangerous for me to be darting around the rail tracks just to snap an oncoming choo choo. So now I must be looking simple as well as dodgy?

Shh, don't tell anyone...

Next I thought, I know, I’ll look at shipping. I like boats and thought out loud, “is there a harbour where we can get some passenger liners like I once did in Crete?” With that, Jodie soon had us bundled into the car and was driving to the Port of Brisbane. I’ll tell you what, if you want to see thousands of brand new cars and trucks awaiting being sold, and millions of metal containers, then this is the place to be. The port is huge and it was nigh on impossible to find a direct route to the water’s edge.

After a good half an hour or so of trying to find water, we came to another dead end in a road and a sign on the railings which read... Trespassers will be shot, deported and sold into some deviant form of sexual slavery or words to that effect and behind said fence lay a shed with a uniformed man sat eating his sandwiches.

When I asked him what the score was, the man replied that the good ol gubment took a very dim view on terrorists stealing goods before they got to slap huge taxes on them and it would be for my own good if I got the fook out of there rapid style. A very odd situation indeed I thought when you can travel down the coast to Sydney and take as many pics as you like of all the militaria (active serving warships) on full show at Garden Island.

Port of Brisbane... Mum's the word

But the biggest visible transport differences seem to come in the automobiles range of things. It is fair to say that in general, the Aussies tend to love their muscle cars. And while there are a few cheap and cheerful run-arounds on the Australian motorways, there are a hell of a lot more on today’s British roads, but this is hardly surprising I suppose with the UK petrol prices being as high as they are and the much longer routes to be travelled over here.

Another major difference (to me a builder type) is there are not that many panel vans around. Whereas we have vans of all shapes and sizes over in blighty ranging from micro cars to medium vans, transit vans, 3.5 tonne vans and even 7.5 tonne lorries, the Aussies seem to prefer their open backed utility vehicles (utes) with actual panel vans being much in the minority to the point they are virtually none existent (well almost). Yes they have their Toyota four by fours like we all do but they also have their shinier Fords and Holdens (GM) which we tend not to.

And then they have two further distinctions in this realm. Firstly the more industrial looking type, a car chassis-cab with an open tray slapped on the back. A true load it and go option.

Or then there’s the tamer more domestic looking version that looks more like a boy racer’s wet dream with fancy shoes on than any kind of true work horse. I guess that just makes me a boy racer then because they definitely have the looks even if I know nothing about the petrol thirsty rubber bands they probably use for engines.

Want one ... These are the Holden's that Jodie has been banging on about throughout this whole blog's comments. Back in Blighty, this would be a Vauxhall Astra but for the fact they don't come in this shape variation. 

Another thing worthy of note is the distinct lack of vehicle signage (trade, company and heavy commercial). Rule one of marketing says that huge blank side of your vehicle is the most cost effective way to advertise. It tells your customers who you are, how to get you and what you do. What a missed opportunity therefore to not be doing it. There really are only a few taking advantage of this medium, I would love to know any reasons why.

Lorries seem to take on the more American style of huge bonneted Mack (Surprisingly no Peterbilts or did they fold already?) trucks rather than the more European flat fronted styles. And while there is a mix of the two, this mix definitely sides on that of the meatier Mack designs. Across the EU, the harmonised weight for international transport was set at 40 tonnes at a maximum length of 16.5m for articulated vehicles and 18.75m for drawbar combinations.

The maximum overall length permitted for rigid vehicles is 12m. And there is no legal maximum height limit for goods vehicles or for loads in Britain, but for rather obvious reasons, vehicles must be able to pass under bridges. However, since 1 February 2001, the UK’s maximum goods vehicle weight has been changed to 44 tonnes with the same maximum dimensions.  I have yet to learn what the permitted tonnages are for the Australian highway brutes, but there are definitely a lot  more wagons pulling extra long supplemental trailers over here.

Fuck that's a big one

The Southern Highlands (Highlights)

When I was first told I would be travelling to the Southern Highlands, I was expecting to come across scenery similar to where I live already. You know the sort of place, high hilly surfaces, cold hostile weather, deeply forested woodlands and dark overcast and overshadowed skies. But none of this was true.

Yes we had gone further into the Great Dividing Range than ever before and yes height was a factor, but that was where all the similarities ended. What we had actually landed ourselves in was some of the most gloriously photogenic scenery I had ever come across. There was blue skies all around, wide open spaces, old country courtyards, churchyards and a wide array of charming buildings.

Click here to view more from the scenic album

Even along the country lanes we came across stone carvings in the middle of what seemed nowhere. It was as if they had been placed there especially for us. They looked both pristine in their appearance and splendid in their isolation.

This Wombat is well bad. Badder than Billy Bob even
Click here to see more from the Statues album

And out of the major conurbations, there weren't the usual arrays of tasteless monolithic housing to be found. Instead, where money did exist, it was pushed in your face in a less crass and far more subtle way...

Check out the ironwork in this album

It was a beautiful day for us with plenty to see and do. Even when we were flagging and ready for a refuelling with copious amounts of coffee and even more cakes we stumbled into a pleasantly quaint little villagey thing around what was the Berrima branch of the Australian Alpaca Centre.

So who's the prat mirrored in the window?
Take the weight off your feet and check out the Alpaca Centre photos here

And finally there was Berrima itself. Population not very many but a place beautifully kept. A church, a river, a bridge and every bit of it so very very photogenic.

Click here for the full Berrima album

And while we have a church in our midst, let us now join in prayer. A prayer to bless the little putt-putt mobile we are using for the whole of these ten weeks in Oz....

God bless the putt-putt mobile